new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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