I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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