I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
