dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
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Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
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Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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