So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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