In the future we'll all be gay
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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