Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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