remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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