I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
