at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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