I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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