Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
