I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
