i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
