My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
