Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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