Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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