i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
