I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
