Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
