guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
