I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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