Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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