shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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