I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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