Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
porn star boner night. come get it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
