No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
