My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
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he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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