does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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