She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
