I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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