It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
