During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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