you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
being pregnant is like rehab
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
