It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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