I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
how drunk are you?
Several
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
