Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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