Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
