I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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