one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
