first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
