What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
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