She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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