I smell stomach acid.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
