Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
