At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
