Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
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I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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