you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
