You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She bit a glass in half.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
