I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
