we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sober January is a disaster.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
