do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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