so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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