I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
