you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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