he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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