Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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