the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
